Who is the ALIEN FOOTBALL FAN?
Not a question you’re asked every day!
Alien Football Fan is my lighthearted new fable, the penultimate fable of my second collection. It’s released on the week starting Monday June 30. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
The Alien Football Fan is an intergalactic overlord who likes watching televised football played on planet Earth, which he has beamed up to his planet Gorgatron. The inspiration for Zorga the Overlord comes from the sheer campness of a lot of supposed villains from space fiction.
I was recently in a queue for a space adventure ride at a theme park with my family, and in standard fashion a villainous space overlord character appeared on a giant screen to ‘intimidate’ us. I’m not entirely sure such lines as “prepare to die mortal” are intended to give me the giggles, but I think it’s the over-enunciation that does it.
It’s always reminded me how Doctor Who villains tend to overexplain a threat rather than just zap the Doctor with a space gun. “Doctor I will destroy the Tardis and the universe, but first may I interest you in a slice of lemon meringue pie” is the kind of thinking that inspired this fable.
I hope Zorga’s impatience and pettiness reminds some readers of the Pathetic Sharks from Viz comic. Like the sharks, Zorga obsesses about inconsequential details, and pepper his rants with cultural references. He’s always pleased with himself for bringing up a lyric or tv show or footballer from the past.
Zorga’s long-suffering sidekick is Statsrobot, an employee who feels like his only friend, and tries in vain to keep his boss in check with common sense and facts.
The pair have a problem to deal with in the fable, how to watch the 2026 football World Cup when the signal to Gorgatron is blocked. Zorga loses his shit and threatens to blow up Earth. Statsrobot sagely advises this would spoil his enjoyment of future football but he can’t stop the baritone ranting of Zorga:
“That’s it, my patience has snapped again. Kill them. Kill them all. If I can’t watch the World Cup, nobody will. Blow the whole place up. I’ll watch my archives. Years of it. Sod the plebs.”
The overlord has the idea of sending up a team of his favourite-ever players from Earth in a rocket. Including Maradona, ex-player celebs like Jill Scott “When she told that German player to fuck off, I liked that. She’s got good spirit” and cult players like 1980s West Ham full-backs Dicks and Stewart for their no-nonsense penalties. “I can’t bear namby-pamby penalties. Little dinks? Not on my watch.”
The less-than-dynamic duo end up heading to Earth for the opening game of the 2026 World Cup, played in Mexico. Zorga the alien football fan gets some of his favourite chants going. The fans around him and Stasrobot think they are in fancy dress. Like a lot of my writing I’m imagining this as a short film.
I’ve always believed that it’s okay to risk inviting readers somewhere they’ve never been before, with something they didn’t know they wanted or needed. Subversive sports-themed fables will still be alien to some readers….but like space exploration, being first has always had its appeal. Watch this space….and please do subscribe for the full fable and all my other writing, fact and fiction!
Lee x
Lee Wellings is an author, sports journalist and broadcaster for BBC, ITN, Sky News and other global media organisations. His book Football Fables is available now. New online fables and articles are available with a subscription to ‘The Sports Specialist’ and a monthly fee is available should you want to try it first. Lee recommends the annual subscription which is less money per month (around $3).