World Cup 2050 bids are in
And this time it's intergalactic
Incredible, wasn’t it. The final. The football. Not sure I’ve seen better. What Messi achieved. What Mbappe did. How the drama unfolded.
I could never have imagined a final quite like that, who could? It will never be forgotten by anyone who saw it, hundreds of millions. But it really won’t be all this tournament is remembered for, trust me.
Before it started I wrote this:
An open goal awaits the organisers: football matches, goals, wins, national excitement becomes the story. Human-rights issues, sometimes horribly dismissed as ‘politics’, are vanquished by the action, the glory.
Ironically, considering where the tournament took place, its critics have been gaslighted. Of course the football was fantastic, its the World Cup!
Long after the party is over, people will look back and admire not only the football of Messi’s Argentina, Mbappe’s France and wonderful Morocco. They will also celebrate the stances of the brave Iranian team, and the ethical German one. The suggestion they should have stuck to football is the reason this column needs to exist.
This is why football matters and ‘Why Sport Matters.’ To conclude that thrilling games makes everything alright is pretty astonishing to me. Can’t we applaud the crowning of Messi while also understanding the damage that has been done away from the field of play?
After 12 years of covering the issues around this World Cup, let there be light.
So I have an exclusive for you.
The bids are in for the 2050 World Cup. A truly intergalactic affair. Let the build-up begin. Start the countdown. Let’s make it the biggest and best tournament ever. Let us grow the game. Football is the winner….
WHO WILL HOST THE 2050 WORLD CUP?
Football’s most controversial World Cup is over. A final press conference in the lavish auditorium, already the scene of some eyebrow-raising comments from those in charge. Could the biggest shock be yet to come?
Ladies. Gentlemen. People. Gays. Migrant workers. The football family, all humans. I feel you. I AM you for today at least. We have one last, let us say, ‘treat’ for ALL fans of this beautiful game.
To fail to prepare is to prepare to fail. And we are prepared.
For the year 2030, you ask? 2040? 2050? Surely, we are not already planning for this? Well, think again friends. Because today I proudly announce who is bidding to host the 2050 World Cup.
We are efficient, we are human, but we are not clairvoyant. So one thing we cannot confirm 100 per cent is whether our friends in Russia, Saudi Arabia and China will be able to host together. But let us be prepare for the bids. History could be created. Let us see. Let us not rush.
And please guys, everywhere. Let us stop this fighting. War is stupid, and people are stupid, and love means nothing, in some strange quarters. The words of Boy George.
So, there are three bids that ARE almost official.
The first creates some history, and I am thrilled to announce this. What we can call ‘confirmed bid one’ would be a tournament within the actual head of a billionaire entrepreneur! A first for football. And a beautiful way to show technology.
We of course (whispers) have to protect his identity at this moment but please give us time. The bid is in. Let us call it a confirmation. We are almost 28 years ahead of the game. So please, friends in media no leaking (a wag of finger). Please.
This bid would change football. We see the need to evolve. It would mean the entire tournament will just be thought out by a money-making genius, with every brain cell sponsored, all twenty or 30 of them. This (pauses) excites me. Today I am excited.
But fairness is goodness. So I am equally excited about our other two confirmed bidders. Not so much ‘watch this space’ as ‘FROM space’….
Confirmed bid two is….the planet MARS. Tremendous, but not entirely unexpected. You boys and girls in the media have done your homework here and I salute you, and thank you for your interest. What an atmosphere we can expect on one of my favourite planets. Plenty of work to do, but plenty of time to make the changes that are needed, including all-seater stadia on the red planet. And to develop oxygen technology. One for the science community. Let us marry with football. Our thanks to all at NASA for interpreting the signal that Mars wants to be, under consideration.
And finally to the third and final confirmed bid. It is an honour to have a second bid from what I call ‘space’….
Our third bidder is the planet GORGOTRON. This is a real shock I know. But a good shock, not a bad shock like from a fork in a toaster. This trust me is good for football on earth and in the universe.
Gorgotron was not expected to bid until 2062 earliest, and of course will be by far the most controversial of the proposed bidders. I know it is seen as a hostile planet by the critics. While nobody doubts Zorga the Overlord loves football, often posting on social media about 1980s nostalgia (chuckles), his recent invasion of an entire galaxy and millions of years of hostility throughout the solar system are bound to cause some negative reaction. But we are used to this, we rise above this.
Football, the galaxy must come first.
And I promised a treat and a surprise and how can we say, a moment. That moment comes now. And it comes with a live link. Where? Gorgotron of course, approximately 100,000 light years away. Let us (fingers crossed) have no ‘Gremlins in the system’ and welcome Zorga the Overlord. Yes, I think we have him, Zorga, may we have your votes please. A little joke. Welcome. Please tell us with no pressure about your bid and your interest in our beautiful competition, our beautiful game.
In the auditorium there are two giant screens. Zorga the Overlord dominates the room. A cross between Ming the Merciless and a cartoon robot villain. Zorga may sometimes be a tyrant, but he is a football romantic too. Influenced in particular by the decades of English football he’s had beamed up to his planet by minions. Apart from invading other planets, there’s nothing he likes more than some retro 1980s football on a Saturday morning in his special comfy chair with the nice tilt and a cup of tea. He grabs the attention from the first word, not just because of the shock of the bid, but because of his commanding emphatic intergalactic warlord voice….
GREETINGS. It is a great honour to join you. And may I say it was a tremendous tournament we have just seen. I throughly enjoyed it, as did my sidekick Statsrobot, who’s here with me now. Didn’t we Statsrobot?
In 2050 our tournament here on Gorgotron will be bigger, better, happier, more productive. If we are given the honour of course (chuckle).
Today I am football. I am a boy. I am a man. I am a universe. I am what I am. And what I am needs no excuses.
I had, shall we say, a dream. To not just watch, but to invite. You, and yours. And fans from everywhere. A tournament for the galaxy. With the greatest players.
Maradona, little Dennis Wise, big Tony Cascarino and some medium size players. I want them up here. Send them up on a rocket. We welcome them.
Okay Statsrobot. Don’t interrupt me. My robot friend says Maradona is sadly no longer with us. My sympathies, but let that not stop us. Bring him back to life. Let’s be having him. Come, where are you? This is the best stage for intergalactic football and the best players must do what they do. No politics. None of that shit. Or human rights. Or alien rights. Do me a favour. Don’t preach to me. Papa don’t Preach. I’ve made up my mind, I’m keeping my footy.
Let me tell about some of the work we’ve been doing for football across the galaxy. More training facilities on the stars of Zabagonia and the surrounding planets. To bring through their youth. Some of the media stuff about us draining the galaxy of natural resources and spacewashing are pathetic. And with respect, you guys should be looking at yourself and who owns your publications, channels, and social media platforms.
Also we’ve worked in partnership with Solarsnaxx, the galaxy’s biggest confectionary company, to develop healthier ranges, that are perfect for snacking before one takes the pitch.
And what about our technology. VAR? Don’t make me laugh. We’ve developed CDD – Cloaking Device Detection. Nobody will be able to cheat the system with invisibility. Not even the Invisible Man. Or Steve McManaman.
And all planets are invited. Including rainbow planets. There’s been a mention of Boy George. And it’s important to say, I spotted his potential early. I liked his songs when they were about 34 in the charts, I’m not a ‘Johnny come lately’, who heard ‘Karma Chameleon’, tapped my toes to it, and sent someone in a rocket to buy it from HMV. I already had it in my collection, early doors.
Statsrobot Ive got an easy one for you. How many times has Gorgotron hosted the big, the World Cup? None. There we are, none. It’s overdue. It’s our time. It’s your time. It’s ‘Chico Time’. Send him up in a rocket to perform at the opening ceremony which will last weeks, maybe months. And Simon Cowell is invited too. And Sharon Osbourne. And Beckham will be there. Obvs. The lot of them.
I look forward to it. Thank you for having me. Football’s the winner. It’s goodnight from Statsrobot, and goodnight from me.
Can’t wait for 2050. But 2023 will be a good one too. There is light in my forthcoming writing project. Colour. And hopefully some humour, we need some relief from the turbulent world in which we currently live.
The picture for this piece obviously isn’t from Doha. It’s Horsham v Canvey Island. World Cup final weekend. In the seventh tier of English football. Everything that some us need from football – community, friendliness and the dream of climbing the league ladder. You don’t need to be privileged to get a ticket. But it’s a privilege to go there, every time.
Happy Christmas and here’s to a healthy, happy, positive and productive year ahead, with respite and calm when needed.
Take care,
Lee x.